Evil Wayne: Serials
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| The Secret Society of Sorority Satanists Evil Wayne: Serials |
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#01Bill,You bastard! This is the card I bought the day I got your letter1. Needless to day, I was perturbed. I said, "Well, I'll just send the little weasel the card anyway!" Jen 2 said, "Why not write him a letter instead?" And I screamed "And waste twenty-five cents?!?" That was when she nailed me in the cojones. Upon reflection, the ambulance ride was the best I've ever had. While I was recovering in my hospital room, they wheeled in guy who had been badly beaten. He would mummer to himself as I tried to watch Wheel of Fortune. Finally, I had to go over to him to get him to shut up. His ranting were about some secret mission he was on, and some super-villain, organization he called the Secret Society of Sorority Satanists, or 4S. It was an amusing, if somewhat confusing tale. The next day, I tried to tell him of my problems and he just ignored me. He was quite most of the day, probably because he was dead. I found a bullet hole through the window glass and realized that maybe his story wasn't so nuts. I called Lee right away and said, "Get your ass over here and bring as many weapons as possible!"3 He didn't say a thing and hung up the phone. I passed the time pacing the floor. Two minutes later I heard a knock. "That was fast," I said opening the door and saw the most beautiful girl. Nude. Well, almost nude, she had some very loose clothing on. She said, "Hi." and I said, "Hi." She stepped in and gassed me. She was a 4S agent. More later. #02As I was saying this beauty ("She's a beauty")4 gassed me. I was out like a light. When I awoke I was tied to a chair on a train bound for I-don't-know-where. There were four 4S members around me. These little beauties were discussing my death! A tall blonde said, "I say we drop him off the Hancock tower.""I thought it was called the Hancock Building?" I said. She took a knife and cut my hair5. While this was going on Lee had arrived at the hospital room. As the door opened he noticed I was not there. His sixth sense kicked in. Something had gone wrong, he thought. He pulled out his throwing stars, darts, butterfly knife and a crossbow and searched the room. Lee found a damp chloroform rag and a small stain of railroad grease. Immediately, he jumped up and ran downtown. Meanwhile on the Train-Bound-for-Nowhere: The little cute redhead stuck a knife at my neck and said, "Fuck Taya's orders, I'm gonna waste this nosey little shit!" I replied, Ya know, I'm probably a little taller than you." Fire burned in her eyes, she took the knife and... #03And Lee arrived at the train station.He searched and found a small plant growing from one of the ties. It was bent north on the southbound lane. Lee called in the Green Berets, but they were busy. So he called Kevin instead (my life is on the line and he calls someone who can't even pay attention). Kevin arrived in minutes. Then they began to walk north on the southbound line. Meanwhile the cute little redhead was just about to give me some cardiovascular surgery without pain killers when the Train-Bound-for-Nowhere stopped. "Don't," said the tall blonde. "We need him." "It's nice to be needed," I said, then they gassed me again. Lee and Kevin walked the tracks for hours, until Lee noticed a place where it switches. "Hey, Kevin," he said. "These parts that used to cover these tracks on this here old abandoned area have been recently cut!" "So?" Kevin responded. "Lee bonked him on the head and said, "The train when this way stupid." "Oh," Kevin said. Lee picked Kevin up. "Let's go!" (Okay, so I added a little more dialogue to pad this one out... Sue me.) #04Lee and Kevin walked for more hours (talk about dedication)."Where are we?" asked Lee. Kevin ran up over a hill. "I know where we are," he shouted back. And as Lee rounded the top he know too. There, as the sun began to set, in the remoteness of the country, there was a sign: Welcome to Vermont6. "Aw shit," Lee said. As I regained consciousness again, I found my hands bound again. I was in a small room, black with one door and one guard. She was average size blonde--Nice legs. "Hey baby--you got nice legs," I though I'd try my charm. She looked up from her Popular Mechanics then she looked back down. Then I thought of Lee, "Hey baby, don't' be stuck up. Put your nose down, you blocking out the light." 7 She stopped reading. She stood up and started to walk towards me. She wanted to kill me. I know because she said, "I'm going to kill you!" Some girls are so fussy about nose jokes. #05The blonde then produced a knife the size of Wisconsin.My first thought was: Where did she hide that thing, considering the skimpy outfits they wore. My second thought was: RUN! But considering I was tied down, this led to action number one: PANIC! She brought the knife up slowly and ever so gently began to round my privies. Just as my brains were going to fall out, the door opened. The little cute redhead stepped in and said, "No! I know how much you'd like to kill him, but no. We need him." She stopped, looked at me with death in her eyes. I smiled. She punched me with a right cross. Ouch! Then the redhead grabbed the knife and cut the ropes. After I was freed she grabbed my arm. "Try anything and you're dogmeat." I looked at her, "You're so cute when you're mad." Then they pushed me out the door. As for Kevin and Lee, well, it would be another two days before they reached me. Mostly the made camp, ate berries, dumped in the woods and played with Lee's Emergency Arsenal for Self Defense. 1. For a long time I had been sending Bill letters without getting a response. While I'm no longer 100% what the card image was, the label I have for it says: Write or You're Dead Meat. So it's not to hard to figure out why this card starts this way. 2. Jen was my girlfriend at the time. She had a way of getting violent during our many "disagreements", so it wasn't a far stretch to have her hospitalize me. I'm pretty sure they all thought that would happen sooner or later anyway. Before he got out the military, I was no longer dating her. This is about the only time she gets mentioned in the serial. 3. Lee, or Leebone, was a bit of an extremist at the time. The idea here was that any kind of hostile action required some kind of Lee-involvement. 4. "She's a Beauty" by The Tubes, Outside Inside, 1983. Remember kids, this is a period piece. 5. Oddly, this bit of minutia I remember clearly. Around the time I wrote this card out, Bill had told me he thought he was coming back on leave. I was and still am, absolutely terrible about getting my hair cut. Hell, I grew my hair out in college just because I was too lazy. Anyway, I had actually gotten a rare haircut at the time and was trying to tie it in with the story. Gripping, isn't it?. 6. This is a combination of my obvious inability to tell real distances and plain old exaggeration. Watch, it will happen a couple of times in this story. 7. I'm unclear if this is part of some stand-up routine or something Lee just came up with. He was fond of using it back then, strangely with similar results. |
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