Anniversary

It was exactly 1 year ago today that the initial shit hit the initial fan. And that eventually chain-reacted into mind-numbing avalanche of bullshit that sometimes, honestly, felt like the end of the world. That's not much of an exaggeration really. Everything got turned upside-down and then back again. Actually, it's more like I'm living in a snow globe. Every now and then some kid with Tourette pick's it up and shakes it violently while a steady stream of cursing is shouted at it.

I hate being a step-parent. I complain about that all the time, I know, but I'm telling you: I am not doing it justice. Whatever you think, it's worse. I'm sure there are step-parents out there who have a wonderful time. Have an easy time relating or dealing or just being there. That's not my situation. It's all messed up. Every day is its own special crisis. Some are low-level. Others go from zero right to DefCon 1 in about 30 seconds (over Tokyo).

My anxiety levels are like watching a seismograph during an earthquake, peaks and valleys. It's worse on my drive home. Often, I have little idea of what I'm about to walk into; I've spent my day working in my cube, thoroughly distracted. How messed up is it that I spend a great deal of time wishing I were at work? Sometimes, on the weekends, I spend hours outside doing yard work just to distract myself. I spent about 8+ hours over the weekend clearing out brush and cutting back the horrible, horrible, creeping juniper (so there's at least one silver lining: The hedges actually get trimmed).

It's a huge reason why this blog is left to languish. Why I get psyched to work on something, only to have that enthusiasm rupture and burn like the Hindenburg a day later. Why I can't actually be counted on to be there at any given moment. I've tried, but so many things get left behind in the dust to rot because of all this.

It's isn't all gloom and doom, there has been some measure of improvement, especially in the last three or four months. Tine has come a ways towards seeing things like I do and that's been monumentally helpful. It took some doing, but she has started to open her eyes. There are setbacks, however. But on the whole, it like the tide slowly coming in with each wave. I jinx it whenever I'm too optimistic, so I'll say this particular tide is taking goddamn forever to get here. A lot of the time, I think it's in, only to find I've been left on dry ground again. And that kind of back and forth is taking its toll.

Yeah, I'm being vague; It's been a solid year of hell and the shitstorm isn't exactly over. No, I would say we might be 3/5th of the way through it, if I'm lucky.

And I am decidedly not lucky.

bop to the top

1 comments 1 Comments: By  rayhawk, at Tue Jul 15, 05:24:00 PM 2008