So we were planning on going out to dinner for Tine's birthday. That was the real mistake. Thinking back on it, her birthday is to blame. If we weren't going out, this never would have happened.
I've got to stop trying to treat her right.
So, I come home to collect the family for her birthday dinner. I do what I always do when I get though the door, I drop my keys on the shelf by the door. Everyone's getting ready to go and TheBoy gets his coat on and then I pick him up in my arms. I even look at the key ring and see Tine's keys hanging there. I almost say "Don't forget your keys" but I get distracted with TheBoy, he's excited to go out. He's excited for cake later!
We walk out the door in a line and Kelly is last. I turn and tell her to make sure the door is locked. I swear to God, I do this! I never do this! This is where I quite possibly would have caught it if I were closing the door. I might have made the leap in my mind and see it. But I wasn't last. I didn't close the door. So I didn't catch it.
Seconds after telling Kelly to push on the door to be sure it was closed and locked, with TheBoy in my arms, I think, Do I have my keys? I reach into my pocket and there's nothing. I shift TheBoy to my other arm and check my opposite pocket.
Nothing.
"Tine," I say. "Do you have your keys?"
She turns and looks at me. "No."
I swear. It won't be the last time I swear. In the next 20 minutes I'll pull out swears I haven't thought of in 20 years. I swear they actually keep me warm in the cold.
We run though the kids, do they have keys? Nope.
Nobody has a fucking key to the house.
"Why the hell don't you have your keys?" I say to Tine about a billion times. "How many times have I said, don't leave the house without your fucking keys?!?"
She's laughing. I'm laughing. We're standing outside in the dark and the cold.
It's fucking tragic.
Mike goes around the house in the slim hope we've accidentally left a window unlocked.
No dice.
That was a pipe dream anyway, I think. I never leave things unlocked.
"Why the fuck don't we have a key hidden outside?" That get's me blank looks and a smirk from Tine.
I remind the kids, "I'm not mad at any of you, I'm just ranting." Because my swearing is reaching critical mass. "Well, maybe your mother."
I finally succumb: I will have to break a window.
I pace around a bit. I don't want to break a window. But I can't see anyway around it. I walk around the house and look at the windows. Maybe there's a small chance Mike missed something.
He didn't.
I finally end up at the wood pile. I can't seem to find a big enough rock, so I pick up a heavy piece and head back to the door.
"We should call the police," Mike says.
"Why?"
"They'll be able to open it. Don't they have keys?"
I feel the incredulous look on my face. "What?"
Tine laughs that silly laugh when the kids say dumb things. He's slightly insistent. "They have keys."
"Okay," I mutter and head for the door. I swear a bit more.
I line up the wood to the lower pane in the door, closest to the lock. I pull back and make a solid hit. The wood crashes into the glass and ...
Nothing.
I stand back and look at it. "Fuck me." I make another attempt, really crashing the wood into the glass. Still nothing. I wonder if it's somehow some special glass. It's a steel door. Maybe the glass is reinforced.
I swear a lot more.
Shit, now I really do need a rock. Mike thinks there's something heavy in the shed. Thank god, the lock on the shed isn't a key. He can't find anything, mostly because there's no freaking light out there. But I suddenly remember that I found the previous owner's log splitter awhile back and put it in the corner.
It's a two-part device with a hammer and pipe with a wedge. It weighs about 8 pounds. I put it it the far corner and I can just make it out. I grab it and it feels weighty. It should do the trick.
As I walk back, I think it should punch a nice small hole in the glass. It might not be big enough to get my hand through so I might have to do it twice. How naïve.
I get to the door and I make everyone get back, just in case.
I line it up to the lower corner, aiming the wedge to the edge. I pull back and thrust it at the pane. The glass gives way like it's Saran Wrap. It's funky, but for a microsecond, I can actually see the glass bend first and there's this high-pop and a shower of glass rains down sounding like beads on tinfoil.
The hole is not small. All of the glass panes spider and crack and keep cracking. There's this steady noise, like Rice Crispies when you first pour the milk as the glass continues to spider and crack and crack and crack.
I use the pole to clear out some of the glass that will be in my way, but that cracking is insane. I start to realize the glass must be all one window. But now I'm worried that the whole thing is going to just shatter and come raining down on me.
"Get ready to call nine-one-one," I say as I prepare to reach through the hole. I see my whole arm being severed by the sheet of glass giving out in that one second.
I reach and and turn the lock. I want to yank my hand out, but I don't need to cut the hell out of it by being stupid, so I'm careful.
The glass does not sever my arm.
I open the door. Slowly.
The hallway is a mess of chunks of broken glass. I step in and have to stop everyone from following me.
"I'll open the front door," I say and they grumble. Tine is still smiling I think.
Once in, I start cleaning it up. I vacuum the hallway, the threshold, the stoop. I tip over shoes and boots and shake them to get any chunks of glass before someone stick their feet inside and loses a toe. Glass sucks to clean up. It's magical. It disappears until you move to the side, like a mirage and its there. No wait, it's gone.
I think I'm up there for an hour, easy. Cleaning outside too. I must look like a fucking idiot vacuuming my cement stairs in January.
The entire time I'm up there, the glass continues to crack. It's freaky how long it goes on. It's probably still doing it now. From the inside, I can see that the framework buckled and it looks like the whole thing might just be a single piece of glass.
So there it is. So far, hands down, the single, stupidest thing I've done all year. Hell, it may be the stupidest thing I've done all decade.
The only silver lining is that my brother-in-law is totally available to come down tomorrow and help replace the door. Plus, I was planning on attending an open house for preschool for TheBoy tomorrow morning. So I don't have to be late for work, I'm not going in!
"We did want to replace the door, eventually," Tine laughed.
Fucking hilarious.
posted by Evil Wayne @ 10:48 PM
1 Comments:
Oh, the irony of your little "Protected by ADT" sign in the corner.
Ha Ha, you broke your house!
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