Good Wayne

Monday, March 21, 2005

Saint Patrick's Day

Oh, where to begin...

Saturday we had the ritualistic celebration of all things Irish. Which meant the traditional drive up to my parent's home on the North Shore.

There were an inordinate amount of shitty drivers on Saturday. I mean it. The ratio of Bad Driver to Good Driver was about 1:2, and probably higher in some areas. The big one was the 93-3 split in Braintree.

There's always some chump that can't read the signs and suddenly realizes he's about to head to the Cape and wants to go to Boston. So he tears across three lanes of traffic to squeeze into the left lane turn offs. There were no less than four of these chumps and one fucker who had to stop in the median of the split because he couldn't get in.

Of course I made the mistake of actually leaving a car length between me and the next vehicle and that was his cue to cut me off at about 70 MPH. That resulted in Horn Blast #1 (I never use my horn) and some choice words that got me a reminder from Tine there were children in present.

Getting through town was pretty normal. Chump here who just wants to get a car ahead, chump there who's too busy on the cell to notice traffic bunching up. Chump there who sees I've rolled out the red carpet by leaving another car length between me and the next one. This stuff doesn't bother me that much.

We decided to risk it all and take the tunnel again. We were lucky again in that it did not burst open, flooding the tube and turning us into a statistic of those Tragically Killed in Tunnel Flooding Incidents (on Fox no doubt). You probably get your actual name used in that one.

TheBoy™ refused to take a nap the whole way up. Which makes him rather cranky (which got worse at the day wore on). After surviving the Third Artery, we came to light near Orient Heights were Tine tried to get TheBoy™ out of his funk. Across the street in the corner field there was a guy that we assumed was a clown. He was brightly dressed in oversized clothing of primary red and yellow. I thought it must be some kind of McDonalds' promotion.

Tine turned and told TheBoy™ to look at the clown! "Hey, everyone look at the clown!"

But as we drove past, it was not a clown. It was some homie dressed up in some clothes he apparently went out and actually bought somewhere. He even had what looked like a giant cartoon anchor chain around his neck. Bright red puffy pants with giagantic yellow cuffs. A red hooded sweatshirt with bright yellow sleeves.

I mean, this guy wanted to look that way.

Tine and I burst out in laughter to which the other kids, having headphones on, ripped them off and ask, "What? What?" This got a You snooze, you loose. Sometimes, it takes all the fun out of it to have to explain it.

The day was okay. TheBoy™ finally crashed on his own around 4 PM, which let us eat in peace. Salmon flan, cabbage, corn beef, potatoes and Guinness. Tine made a cheesecake. It was supposed to be green. It wasn't.

Got a little X-Box fun in the basement/bar area. Kate and I tried the Star Wars Battlefront and it kicked Jawa ass. Or I kicked Jawas ass, because that's just about all I could make it do is shoot them as they ran for cover. The one vehicle I got in, a speederbike, crashed it into the only rock within 200 miles.

I can't play console games. But when the PC version comes down, it'll be on my list.

Then, the one freakin' scary event happened while we were playing; kids (because there's lots of kids) were up and down the stairs. As I was trying to aim my rifle to blow away a little R2 unit, I hear the heavy thumping of someone coming down the stairs. Only it sounds like they're running and it doesn't sound normal.

I turn and see two bodies pinwheeling down the stairs. I see my 2 year old niece, her arms out and her head down, like she's doing a cartwheel, but there's this confused, scared look on her face. Behind her, another small body, with blonde hair, arms out, legs pulled in, like a half cannonball.

They crash into the floor before I can get there. I pick up my niece and hand her to her mother, and the other boy -my nephew- I have to bring upstairs to find a parent. They were fine (a little bruised) but it looked so freaky.

The rest of the visit was pretty uneventful.

On the way home, we cut through Boston again. This is less harrowing—usually. Tonight it's a whole different ballgame. First, several people don't seem to understand the whole toll booth thing on the Tobin. There are lane for FastTrack or whatever it's called and there are lane for the rest of us who still have to use cash (three freakin' dollars now).

After this and a merge onto the Zakim bridge. Of course, I get the guy coming up 93 in the slow lane doing 80. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you if you think that lane is for getting there quicker? I merge and he's suddenly on my ass and he lingers there just so I know he's peeved and then a quick lane change and he's gone.

In the tunnel we get a guy who can't seem to find his lane. The tunnel snakes and as I'm passing he, using my lane as a buffer. Enter Horn Blast #2 and some much choicer words than earlier today. Tine has some censored, choice words, because the whole situation makes her nervous.

After the tunnel, we come upon one of those short travel busses that commute between the airport and a hotel or between Boston and Foxwoods or wherever. It's got those large tinted windows, but we can see they've got a big TV on through the glass.

As we get closer, I think that it looks like a cooking show. I think I can make out a close up of some hands coming together and moving fast or something. Like they're dealing with food.

I even say something, "Hey, what are they watching?" You know, because it's different, and I'm trying to draw Tine out of being uptight on the highway.

As we close in on the bus and before passing it, I look over and low and behold it's not a cooking show. Through those big windows, we can make it out quite clearly.

It's porn!

It's a close up of a woman masturbating! A real close up. I start laughing—I think because I went out of my way to draw attention to it. I look over and Tine is laughing, but trying to hold it in. I hit the accelerator to get farther away.

At least I was right about the hands.

posted by Evil Wayne | 10:21 AM

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