Evil Wayne

Evil Wayne
my mental sieve...

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Sheilds Up

Dang I meant to post today - well, yesterday, or is the day before at this point? Regardless, I wanted to say Hey, they upped the terror alert to Orange or, in this case, Ernie!

Yeah! Oh boy! We're on Orange Alert people! To your Orange Alert Combat Stations! We're just one terror alert away from pants-shitting Red. For the love of God, are you listening?!?

Seriously WTF?!? What a total useless government bullshit. Let's put out a color chart for terror alerts. What does that tell us? Nothing. Go about your lives, but just so we look busy, we've got this handy-dandy color chart to let you know just how frightened you really should be.

Beyond useless.

posted by Evil Wayne | 12:55 AM

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Tuesday, December 16, 2003

eMail Survey

I love these things - it's sort of a guilty pleasure, because they're so silly, I mean, who cares? Really? But here's my latest response. I should try to dig up the older ones I've done.

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Standard lame survey drill: Remove my answers, add your answers, send this to everyone on the planet. Then wait for the money to roll in… no, wait, that’s another email.

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01. What is your full name?
Sparky McPhatarse, the Third.

02. What color pants are you wearing?
Flesh. Wait, I'm not wearing pants.

03. What are you listening to right now?
The drone of an air conditioner, slowly rising and falling with it's subtle internal compressor chugging along somewhere down the miles of ductwork above my head. Every now and then there's a minute sound, a low curdling rumble that seems to speak to me... kiiiiiilllllltttttthhhhheeeemmmmaaaaaallllll.... I'm not entirely sure what it means, but I'm arming myself just in case.

04. What are the last 4 digits of your phone number?
K9Ç3 - we have an odd phone system here.

05. What was the last thing you ate?
Flesh of the unbelievers in an bingefest of suffering and torture ... with a side order of spicy fries.

06. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
If I were a crayon, I would be a chunk of wax that's been boiled and poured into a cylinder mold until I've solidified. Then wrapped and thrust into a box of conformity only to be ripped away from my brethren and smashed against paper -or worse, pavement- wherein I would cruelly and forcefully find my flesh ripped against the media until my insides are torn away and smeared everywhere for the bemusement of children everywhere. What color would I be?!? Is pain a color?

07. How is the weather right now?
Raining, like the tears of the innocent caught in a maelstrom of tearing flesh and rendered bone, crashing against the stone wall of oppression and rage... it's cold too.

08. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Satan. And the bastard called collect from Europe.

09. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
The subtle curve of the spine as it rises up to meet the soft nape of the neck. Because that's the best place to start the dismemberment process.

10. Do you like the person that sent this to you?
No. But I won't say that aloud. Wait... Damnit.

11. How are you?
427 (Past lives included).

12. Your favorite drink?
Shirley Temple. Well, the blood of Shirley Temple...

13. Favorite alcoholic drink?
Shirley's blood, vodka added - maybe a little lemon twist on the side.

14. Favorite sports?
Do girls jumping on trampolines count as a sport?

15. Hair color?
Pumpkin Orange - Stupid Halloween costume. It said it washes out!

16. Eye color?
Yes.

17. Do you wear contacts?
Not exactly. I skin the cataracts from the aforementioned innocents and successively pile them upon one another and use them to increase my eyesight. Right now? I can see Canada.

18. Sibling’s and their ages?
I have no siblings. I am an orphan that was found on the side of the road near a biker bar, called Scopes' Monkey in East Kansas. I was bathed in still sticky-wet, blood from head to toe, which was later determined to be from someone of Ukrainian decent. I was holding a butcher knife with the words "Immortal Groovy Bastard" written into the worn, ivory, elephant-tusk handle. The blade was made from some kind of foreign, shiny alloy that caused your eye wander to the tip and note how incredibly sharp it appeared to be. Oddly enough, men in black showed up, took the knife along with several disorderly townsfolk and two cows in a flight of black helicopters leaving me with a chain-smoking barmaid with a tattoo of a Nazi skull on her left breast named Irma.
But it's all a little fuzzy to me.

19. Favorite month?
April. The cruelest month.

20. Favorite food?
You know those wafers you can get in church? Now there's a snack food waiting to be born. Christ Crackers! Mmm... They're heavenly!

21. Last movie you watched?
http://www.gwu.edu/~nsarchiv/NSAEBB/NSAEBB82/

23. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
No, but Tine would probably murder me in my sleep.

24. Do you like Summer or Winter?
Is there a reason Fall and Spring are left out off the list here?

25. Hugs or kisses?
Neither. Kisses open you up to biological infection, and Hugs are just an excuse for someone to plant a knife in your back. I prefer to sit in my isolation bubble and conduct affairs from my "office" a sanitized, blast-proof bunker 22 meters under bedrock. I am a rock. I am an island.

27. Chocolate or vanilla?
This is a white or black thing isn't it? I'm not going there.

28. Do you want your friends to write back?
Sure. But they won't, they suck like that.

29 Who is most likely to respond?
No one will respond. I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds for email surveys.

30. Who is least likely to respond?
Hands down, Bill. Loser! But he's got company in this case.

31. What books are you reading?
How to Survive Mass Mailing Lists and Fill Out Pointless Surveys - Wow, that sure is a handy coincidence, eh?

33. What’s on your mouse pad?
Mousepads are for the weak.

34. What did you do last night?
I was clearly seen having a loud conversation with several people near the local barbershop at exactly 7:45 PM until 9:10 PM and was no where near the river bridge with a flashlight and a wood chipper.

35. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
What the hell kind of question is that? Can you touch your asshole with you elbow?!?

posted by Evil Wayne | 4:02 PM

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Friday, December 05, 2003

Stealing From Tina

Okay, I want to sort of apologize to Tina and everyone else for ripping off their emails. Well, it's not exactly that bad, but it's close. See, sometimes when I'm writing a long trail of email babble, I occasionally see something worth noting here. So I cut and paste and do a little editing and viola! I got my next blog entry. Unfortunately, I've begun to worry that someone will notice and call me on it. Yes, I'm incredibly neurotic that way. I'm incredibly neurotic in a whole shit load of other ways as well, but we won't get into that right now.

I guess this is a lame way of apologizing for that.

Exciting isn't it?

posted by Evil Wayne | 10:43 AM

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Thursday, December 04, 2003

SketchWork

I've been working on sketching a story idea instead of writing it. Mostly because the idea is lame and pointless, but visually it would have more merit (not a lot, mind you, but a tad more than just text). Unfortunately, the only time I get to sketch is during lunch, which I take with my friend JP here at work. I've been lucky the last couple of days because she's had Christmas cards to write out, but after that, I'm boned... Besides, the garbage I've been churning out isn't worth the paper I'm wasting. By the time I start to feel like I'm in a groove, the hour's up.

Dangit.

Regardless. If I really want to have something to show for a website then I should probably have a few stories done even before I start. It was my stupid plan last time and that never materialized did it? Either I saved myself some money last year, or I denied myself the opportunity to have it sitting over me, forcing me to work on something. I can't decide what it must be, because here I am again. I want to have some creative outlet, but I just can't seem to make the hard choice between fishing or cutting bait. I'm going to have a meltdown someday.

I'm working on something I'm calling Pointless Tales of Evil right now. It's the garbage I've been sketching because the story is a bit on the lame side of light. Honestly, I'm pretty sure you can tell that right from the title, can't ya?

See? You are smarter than you look.

posted by Evil Wayne | 5:02 PM

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Monday, December 01, 2003

80's Lyrics Quiz: People are What?

Sigh, I got a lousy 57. And mainly because I got a couple of obscure questions right (and the bonus stuff). I guess I'm not a real child of the 80s.

Whatever.

posted by Evil Wayne | 11:35 PM

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Well, it's Deco-1 and the Holidays are in full swing.

Or so they would have you believe.

No, I'm not going to back up that statement, so you'll just have to suck on, my friend.

Thanksgiving was pretty good this year. Ate way, way more than I should have. I think over the course of two days I at least ate a whole pie (mmm... pumpkin) and a third of the bird. We stayed over my parents place so Tine and mom could go shopping Friday morning. Tine said we'll have to make it a tradition because she got some killer deals on this and that. Fine with me. Now I can have a couple of drinks and not worry about driving.

Tried to go see the new Matrix movie, but it was sold out. Then I got sucked into playing Star Wars Monopoly. Which is really stupid - I mean, nothing is different except the names. Has to be one of the lamer licensing deals for Star Wars. I did get to be a slum lord extrodinare. I owned both swamp properties and promptly put up hotels. I think everyone hit them at least once. Yeah me! By the end of the game, so much property had housing on it that everyone was trying to end up in jail, just so they didn't have to chance landing on something painful.

The boy's been having nightmares again, so we're back to getting no damn sleep. WTF...

posted by Evil Wayne | 4:35 PM

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