Good Wayne

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

eMail Survey

I love these things - it's sort of a guilty pleasure, because they're so silly, I mean, who cares? Really? But here's my latest response. I should try to dig up the older ones I've done.

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Standard lame survey drill: Remove my answers, add your answers, send this to everyone on the planet. Then wait for the money to roll in… no, wait, that’s another email.

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01. What is your full name?
Sparky McPhatarse, the Third.

02. What color pants are you wearing?
Flesh. Wait, I'm not wearing pants.

03. What are you listening to right now?
The drone of an air conditioner, slowly rising and falling with it's subtle internal compressor chugging along somewhere down the miles of ductwork above my head. Every now and then there's a minute sound, a low curdling rumble that seems to speak to me... kiiiiiilllllltttttthhhhheeeemmmmaaaaaallllll.... I'm not entirely sure what it means, but I'm arming myself just in case.

04. What are the last 4 digits of your phone number?
K9Ç3 - we have an odd phone system here.

05. What was the last thing you ate?
Flesh of the unbelievers in an bingefest of suffering and torture ... with a side order of spicy fries.

06. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
If I were a crayon, I would be a chunk of wax that's been boiled and poured into a cylinder mold until I've solidified. Then wrapped and thrust into a box of conformity only to be ripped away from my brethren and smashed against paper -or worse, pavement- wherein I would cruelly and forcefully find my flesh ripped against the media until my insides are torn away and smeared everywhere for the bemusement of children everywhere. What color would I be?!? Is pain a color?

07. How is the weather right now?
Raining, like the tears of the innocent caught in a maelstrom of tearing flesh and rendered bone, crashing against the stone wall of oppression and rage... it's cold too.

08. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Satan. And the bastard called collect from Europe.

09. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
The subtle curve of the spine as it rises up to meet the soft nape of the neck. Because that's the best place to start the dismemberment process.

10. Do you like the person that sent this to you?
No. But I won't say that aloud. Wait... Damnit.

11. How are you?
427 (Past lives included).

12. Your favorite drink?
Shirley Temple. Well, the blood of Shirley Temple...

13. Favorite alcoholic drink?
Shirley's blood, vodka added - maybe a little lemon twist on the side.

14. Favorite sports?
Do girls jumping on trampolines count as a sport?

15. Hair color?
Pumpkin Orange - Stupid Halloween costume. It said it washes out!

16. Eye color?
Yes.

17. Do you wear contacts?
Not exactly. I skin the cataracts from the aforementioned innocents and successively pile them upon one another and use them to increase my eyesight. Right now? I can see Canada.

18. Sibling’s and their ages?
I have no siblings. I am an orphan that was found on the side of the road near a biker bar, called Scopes' Monkey in East Kansas. I was bathed in still sticky-wet, blood from head to toe, which was later determined to be from someone of Ukrainian decent. I was holding a butcher knife with the words "Immortal Groovy Bastard" written into the worn, ivory, elephant-tusk handle. The blade was made from some kind of foreign, shiny alloy that caused your eye wander to the tip and note how incredibly sharp it appeared to be. Oddly enough, men in black showed up, took the knife along with several disorderly townsfolk and two cows in a flight of black helicopters leaving me with a chain-smoking barmaid with a tattoo of a Nazi skull on her left breast named Irma.
But it's all a little fuzzy to me.

19. Favorite month?
April. The cruelest month.

20. Favorite food?
You know those wafers you can get in church? Now there's a snack food waiting to be born. Christ Crackers! Mmm... They're heavenly!

21. Last movie you watched?
http://www.gwu.edu/~nsarchiv/NSAEBB/NSAEBB82/

23. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
No, but Tine would probably murder me in my sleep.

24. Do you like Summer or Winter?
Is there a reason Fall and Spring are left out off the list here?

25. Hugs or kisses?
Neither. Kisses open you up to biological infection, and Hugs are just an excuse for someone to plant a knife in your back. I prefer to sit in my isolation bubble and conduct affairs from my "office" a sanitized, blast-proof bunker 22 meters under bedrock. I am a rock. I am an island.

27. Chocolate or vanilla?
This is a white or black thing isn't it? I'm not going there.

28. Do you want your friends to write back?
Sure. But they won't, they suck like that.

29 Who is most likely to respond?
No one will respond. I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds for email surveys.

30. Who is least likely to respond?
Hands down, Bill. Loser! But he's got company in this case.

31. What books are you reading?
How to Survive Mass Mailing Lists and Fill Out Pointless Surveys - Wow, that sure is a handy coincidence, eh?

33. What’s on your mouse pad?
Mousepads are for the weak.

34. What did you do last night?
I was clearly seen having a loud conversation with several people near the local barbershop at exactly 7:45 PM until 9:10 PM and was no where near the river bridge with a flashlight and a wood chipper.

35. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
What the hell kind of question is that? Can you touch your asshole with you elbow?!?

posted by Evil Wayne | 4:02 PM

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